playing harp is expensive because it burns a lot of calories and it's habit-forming

coffee shop employee announces to a crowded coffee shop: “a tornado watch has just been issued for tonight. also I am issuing a separate tornado watch right now specifically for the inside of this coffee shop… we’ve seen some dust particles in corners being swept up by small air currents… papers blowing around on tables… the conditions are right for an indoor tornado. your safest bet would be to stand precisely at the threshold of the doorway.”

a performer on a stage: “I’m actually only doing this performance as a form of physical therapy prescribed by my doctor. so all of these words I'm saying were previously written by her. I think the script is brilliant and would love to credit her, but she requested to remain unnamed. she said it would be healthier for me to just say the words and act as if I could take credit for them, so here I am saying them now. these are still them. oh GOD I wish I could publicly credit her. it really eats at me to just keep talking, knowing I didn't write the material, and not attribute it to anyone… but she wrote this too, and she said it would be healthier for me to do it this way, and she's the one with a medical degree, so I'll readily surrender my natural judgment—which is of course sort of fake because she essentially pre-programmed me to make the judgment—and trust that these particular actions are in my best interest. anyway, I guess it'd probably be best if you could forget about that whole script-written-in-the-past conceptual framework. kind of weakens the façade of spontaneity. but this is still part of the script. everything I've said tonight, I take it all back. and this. and this. and this…”

a human displayed in a vivarium designed by aliens as part of a zoo for higher species. each person requires an environment that accommodates their unique needs. “going to the movies” is just a setup to make the human behind the glass selling you your ticket feel comfortable. they are behind the glass so that they can be observed doing this incredible thing—selling tickets to a movie! it makes them feel good about themselves for having a job, it's temperature-controlled, and as long as you pay them they'll stay there all day. the real show happens at the box office.

bad physical therapist : “great, yes, very good, everything you're doing right now is perfect. oh, well, that's probably good too. yeah, keep doing that. well, unless you don't want to—yeah, that other thing is good too, that definitely seems like it could improve your physical health in some way… yes, good. keep doing that. great.”

suggesting Mary Had A Little Lamb to club DJs

basking in the experience of the rice having been microwaved

a campaign to outlaw everything humans have no control over

my bedtime routine is just going to bed.

warning labels should be put on lemons, trees, etc. “WARNING: THIS IS SOMETHING.” microscopic warning signs on dust particles — every particle has the potential to be dangerous, and this must be formally accounted for.

“this duck breast contains powerful energy forces that will heal you spiritually from within, thus removing your need for all your material possessions. including the duck breast itself.”

a self-help author speaking to an audience: “I only lean on what is directly behind me — I used to spend all this time & energy trying to get perfectly comfortable in a chair or on a bench or a rock or whatever — today I sat on a 28lb wood crate of asparagus on a handtruck outside a grocery store waiting for the manager to work out a complication regarding the acceptance of asparagus at particular times, and I can tell you for certain that none of my discomfort in that situation could be attributed to my seating arrangement. no complaints about that aspect. one day I decided firmly that I will never again think about how I sit lean or lie on things, because I realized too much of my time and energy was being absorbed into it. now I have one consistent universal action sequence that I apply in all situations where I want to have a seat — I just bring my ass downward and if I start to feel uncomfortable I just DEAL with it, because ……… because the boundary between sitting and just touching something against your ass is imaginary. this extends to touching any object in any way with any part of my body. I never consider what I touch or how. I have assigned a simple touching action sequence to each particle of my epidermal tissue that is triggered automatically each time I touch anything, which is literally all the time. since every situation is unique, and it's hard to really define what a ‘situation’ is at all, I have found it totally impossible to maintain the consistency of the action sequences. I have been forced to let my intuition control me most of the time (all of the time), and have now realized over the course of saying this that nothing ever really changed.”