I am made entirely out of rubber and my skin is difficult to wear. I think I must have purchased the WRONG SKIN--HEAVENS!
My shoe is untied.
My mittens are woven from lace.
The cat is in.
Baby, I want you.
That cat is damn near in.
Can you hear me? Is this thing on? I've always wanted to give a lecture on dogs, and this seems like quite the appropriate venue: Dogs. Well, hm, let's see, where to begin? Never mind dogs, let's talk about ventilators. I own a ventilator and use it frequently, but soon I'll die and there will no longer be a use for it. ISN'T THAT JUST THE WAY WITH THINGS.
FUCK.
I long for you; is this clear? I long. But, more impermeable than a waif, I stand. I long for you, Bertha. Bertha. I long for you. BERTHA, I am in a state of longing--for you, that is. You are named Bertha, and you are for whom I long.
Let's break it down: Bertha. Longing. Me. Do you see?
Anyway, I give up. Let's talk smack. Whoa whoa whoa hey hey hey I'm a magical magician-mobile! Hear the pathetic whines emitted by my little undulating vocal cords, which have been triggered by my cerebral reactions. I am a tampon. *Takes a bow.*
Alright, Bobby. Take me to the store. My arms outstretched, I beckon you to take them in your little hands and drag me until I bleed from head to foot, Bobby.
One time I baked a cake using only two shoes and a carpenter. First I disemboweled the carpenter, then I baked him. And then I added the shoes. Stirred for a few seconds. Done. Fuckin', there's a cake.
Carpenters are useful that way; if worse comes to worst you can always just disembowel them and bake them into a cake.
Here are some helpful gardening tips:
1. Always wear your garden around your hips, and make shur iz nice n tite cuz i don wana see non o dat, ya?
2. Be sure to starch it up real nice before a dinner party or other high-end fancy-pants shit-bang social gathering.
3. Never wear your grandson without first becoming him. This is a problem I've seen far too often; I usually just choke all of them until they are in a nice little row and--well, you know what I'm saying, basically. Okay.
4. Hi. I guess I should say something about this whole "garden tips" thing: It's really not a big deal; I mean, you really just have to sort of be a gardener. Take some gardening classes, become a gardener, you know, the whole thing.
How to mend a bonnet in three easy steps:
1. MEND.
2. MEND.
3. MEND.
4. MEND.
5. MEND THE BONNET.
