you are receiving this message because your eligibility for human life has been administratively revoked. however, we are offering you the opportunity to continue living if you complete the following tasks in the following order...
disassemble a rocking horse and pin each piece onto the same small oak tree that you planted 7 years ago.
carve a precisely accurate image of your own face into your left inner thigh with an exacto blade.
gracefully untie as many knots as you possibly can in 60 minutes. if you fail, you will lose all of your money and all of your opportunities in life will be limited from here on out.
harbor resentment against all of your friends, starting with the closest.
take a giant dump.
unbutton every third button on whatever button up shirts you own.
kill yourself.
open up a bank account under the name Carl and deposit all of your money into it, OR DIE
dig a ditch one foot wide and 8 ft deep in the backyard of your childhood best friend.
repeatedly kick the first wooden object you see after reading this until somebody notices. then, write an engaging story by hand with a feather dipped in gasoline describing in vivid exaggerated detail the interaction you had with the person who acknowledged your wood kicking behavior.
breathe the wrong way
open up all the doors you see forever for the rest of your life, or else receive a penalty of 17 snakes around your neck at once. Good luck.
eat part of yourself. this should be fairly easy (i.e. saliva)
eat something and then vomit it up.
poop your pants.
gradually knit a cartoonishly large bowtie over the course of your entire life
pray
it's going to be a night isn't it
Student Accounts Receivable
University of Yourself
