pills within pills
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the world's oldest object is you.
~
(a video-dating profile)
“I like dogs but I don’t own a dog, I just go out of my way to interact with other people’s dogs whenever possible. My favorite movie is the one you’re watching right now. my favorite color is nothing. My favorite song is the sound of me saying these words. My favorite activity is to sing my favorite song, which I am currently doing as I say these words. The song consists of all sounds generated by my body in the past and future. The song will never end. And it actually never began. Everything I’m saying is a lie, including this. The end. But I’m still talking. I could die at any moment. I was born right here in this spot where I’m currently sitting, and I’ve actually never left this spot. Everything in my life has happened around me, separately from me, while I’ve remained still. I don’t work out at the gym; the gym works out on me. I don’t go for walks; the earth’s crust goes for walks on my feet.”
~
therapist tells client: I think you’re worthless.
~
1: I’m an archetype that only exists in the context of my own life, saying these words to you, continuing this interaction. How does it feel for me to say this to you?
2: I just can’t shake this feeling that I don’t exist at all beyond documents of me, such as this document being created right now and viewed by you (looks at camera/audience)… right now. the idea of now is a fake idea. everything falls into a scripted recorded narrative within a narrative forever, nothing exists free of context; reality is context for context for context forever.
1: Yes that all sounds very important, but for now let’s just stay with the feeling. Where do you feel this experience in your body?
2: Uhh, kinda in my left eyebrow. And in my tonsils.
1: That’s really weird. You’re too weird for me. We have to end this interaction now.
2: But “now” is a fake idea! This interaction will last forever!
1: WHERE DO YOU FEEL ITS FAKENESS IN YOUR BODY
2: MY FACE, SPECIFICALLY MY LEFT EYEBROW. ALSO TONSILS.
~
a pill that will turn you into a rock or a dog, a pill that makes you forget that pills exist but retains all of your other characteristics, a pill that makes your face feel fat, a pill that turns you inside out, a pill for dogs that is unexplainable because only dogs can feel its effects and, as we ALL know, dogs are unbound by the shackles of speech. (however, the world of dog communication is vast. we only see the tip of the iceberg.) a pill that gives you a continuous orgasm for the rest of your life.
THE ULTIMATE PILL: a dehydrated fetal clone of yourself inside a pill capsule; turns you into an infinitely actualized (perfect) version of yourself, so pure that you instantly disappear. it takes you “full circle” in the context of your life so that you feel “reborn” and yet totally decontextualized.
a pill made of granite, a pill made of dirt, an ice pill, a pill with living moving eyes…
“is it organic? where did it come from? does it have fat? do you know about the caloric content?”
“uhh… it’s organic in that everything is organic because it came from the earth. I don’t know anything else. stop talking to me.”
“oh, well I think you’re actually legally obligated to display the nutrition facts on the container.”
“uhh… okay. sorry! next customer?”
“GIMME THE USUAL”
“ah! I’m sorry, I can’t remember what you usually get…”
“ah. (slightly disappointed.) the birch pill.”
“…?”
“the one filled with birch bark dust”
“oh ok yes! you want the capsule or the gelcap?”
“uhh, well, I’m not sure…”
“the gelcap contains birch oil, the capsule is dusty. full of dust. we just got these new quarter-dose sizes if you want to, uh, not commit as hard.”
“I… I… actually never mind, I realize I can’t eat dairy.”
“oh, well this product doesn’t contain dairy.”
“ok, well I’ve actually just become really socially uncomfortable with this interaction and have to go RIGHT NOW.”
“oh, I have pills for that! the social discomfort eraser, the pill that makes it so you don’t want to leave and instead want to stay around and buy more pills… and even the pill that makes you die might help with that.”
“AAAAAAAH STOP YOU PILL SALESMAN STOP IT”
(pill farmer attempts to force-feed the pill to the prospective customer.)
~
“would you like to try the new frilly pill?”
“what? do the frills serve a purpose?”
“yes! see, the frills upon this pill’s surface stimulate the insides of your digestive tubes in specific ways that have been medically proven to prevent things like… well, things you don’t want. things that are bad.”
“oh, wow! such a clever and cunning solution to the problem of badness. I never considered…”
“yes, and here you’ll get the best deal anywhere at 2 for $300. we also have frilly pills for excessive sweating, excessive sweater-wearing, and pinecone addiction.”
“do you carry pinecones?”
“yes, compressed into pill form. caplets or gelcaps.”
“I’ll take 60.”
“ok. $9,000 please.”
“I have to get cash from the ATM.”
“no ATM will give you that much.”
“I’m an ATM maintenance technician; I know all their little tricks.”
“will you teach me the tricks?”
“only for a price. and not a monetary price. I want pills. and all kinds. the red ones, the blue ones… ALL of em! free pills for the rest of my life!”
“but you could just hack money out of ATMs and use that money to buy pills, right? then they’d basically be free for you.”
“hmm, you’re right. how about you kill yourself?”
“how would that benefit you?”
“it wouldn’t. but it would benefit you. and you know it.”
“but life is so good”
“death is better and you know it”
(customer stares down employee. pause.)
“go away, you're givin’ me the heebie-jeebies with this weird suicide stuff.”
(customer leaves. employee contemplates briefly and then kills self in the middle of the next customer’s sentence.)
“do you have silky milky pills? ...oh!! oh my god! help help the pill salesman is dead!”
~
“Isn’t this somehow sacrilegious, this whole pill thing?? What would the BIBLE say about this? Shouldn’t we just live life as God intended?”
“Ma’am, we have a pill for people like you who think about the Bible… (pulls out pill from some location) The Bible Pill! it helps you get more in touch with the Bible & the Lord Jesus Christ.”
“But isn’t that in itself somehow sacrilegious?”
“That is entirely up to your personal discretion, ma’am. And if you feel like changing your mind, we have a pill for that, too!”
“does it have GMOs? what are GMOs?”
“shut up and take this pill.”
“what will it do to me?”
“it’ll all make sense, just take it.”
(customer takes pill and vomits up brightly colored fluid. it gets all over her Bible.)
~
“so I have this pill that makes you feel like you fit into shoes better. (sigh) I know, it’s a boring pill. I have a lot of others that are more interesting but I just really need to sell some of these shoe pills so I can justify having ordered so many. I was on so many pills I don’t even remember placing the order. Something made it seem like the most brilliant idea in the world… fitting into your shoes like you never have before… even shoes you already felt totally comfortable in before… you’ll get addicted to this shit though. I’ll never be the same even though I went through intensive treatment. I still can barely deal with any pair of shoes, and I have to take all sorts of pills to cope with my condition. maybe it would have been better to just keep taking the shoe pills. but there was that really convincing study that found neuronal rot in longtime users. Can’t keep that shit up forever. But half the pills I take are so cutting-edge they haven’t been significantly researched yet, so there’s also that. Anyway you should get the shoe pills, it’s worth it just to experience it, trust me. There’s really nothing like it. And I can also sell you the combination of pills I was on when I thought the idea sounded the best.”
“Okay, I’ll take five shoe pills and one combination of pills to feel the way you felt. Could you recommend any shoe stores around here?”
“Nope. I’m specifically a pill salesman.”
THE END.
~
A: …and this pill over here will make it so all you can see is rabbits.
B: Oh, you mean like everything is replaced with rabbits?
A: Well we do have a pill for that (gestures to other pill), but this one will just make your life feel like an infinite void except for when you encounter a rabbit, in which case your life will then consist of a rabbit in a void.
B: Wow! Amazing! Are you sure this is safe?
A: Absolutely not. (gestures to sign) No guarantees; you buy at your own risk.
B: What?? I need a product I can trust!
A: Then fuck off. (gestures to sign that says “fuck off”)
B: I… I…
~
